I am not Alone

I don’t think anyone knows how alone I feel.

Same way that I don’t understand how alone others feel when they say they are.

Others have siblings, they have parents within reach whom they can console and ask for advice anytime.

They have complete family photos.

They have close relatives they can confide with.

They have friends they can reach to anytime.

I have issues with my parents.

My friends have issues of their own.

My partner doesn’t know how to console me.

I don’t know what I’m going through. I don’t know what kind of depression this is or why I am even going through this.

There are lots of people going through something way worse I know.

I know I can always pray. I always do, but the feeling just lingers. The emotions are just here for now.

I am writing this to make myself feel better. I don’t know if I will feel better after this.

I mask myself with smiles and laughter, jokes and positivity, optimism and meditation, but the feeling of loneliness just doesn’t go away.

We’ll see about this in the future.

 

 

Dear 15yrold Self

Hi, it’s you 15 years in the future.

You’re in your 4th year of high school now, you’re about to enter college in a few months, you’re going to bid your beloved school and friends goodbye because you won’t be seeing each other for a long time or maybe never. You will be moving to the Philippines from your Bahrain comfort zone.

I just want to say that adjusting life in the Philippines won’t be easy. Studying and living out of your comfort zone will require a lot of patience and perseverance on your end. You will go through a lot.

One thing I wish you would do though, is not to be easily swayed or influenced by the new people you meet. Learn not to be gullible and easily influenced by those who just want to enjoy life and skip classes and smoke and drink.

I hope you focused more on your studies and didn’t get affected that much with your parents’ issues. I hope you had the guts to make decisions for yourself, that you don’t want to stop studying. That you like the course you chose. That you want to keep studying and be successful at that.

I would probably be writing this letter differently when all that I hoped for happened but this is how life took its place. There’s no chance for erasures but there will always be space for improvement.

Things we planned for ourselves don’t necessarily happen especially if you are not bent on making them come true.

Just take it as it is and be grateful instead.

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It’s February already!

Whoah! How time flies by soooo fast! It was just December the other day and now it’s February going on Valentine’s Day again.

Anyway, I feel like time is running out on me. I just have this feeling like I want to do so many things but I’ve got very little time and I’m actually wasting all of it. I don’t know.

This month, I might go back to working again. After quitting my last job in 2015, I thought I won’t ever apply for a job again. But somehow I did, I originally didn’t expect them to contact me for an interview but they did. I passed two interviews now and just waiting when I’m going to start.

The job post said it is project based and that I will have to do most of it home-based but during the interviews, they were subtly asking that they would prefer if I report to the office as often as possible and that I should be ready in 6 months to a year’s time for a regular scheduled job.

The company’s a stable one, I’m sure of it. It’s not a start-up with a provincial rate, nor is it a pioneer company managed by one family and it’s not in publishing this time.

It’s one of the top insurance companies in the world and I doubt they’ll run out of money. I just hope their offer to me is good. Good enough for me to stay and save money for my future plans. That’s all I ask. Then again, for opportunities like these coming my way, I’m forever grateful.

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Utterly Engaged

Found this in the drafts.

October 20, 2013

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The Proposal

Steve is sweet but not mushy sweet. He’s not the kind with awesome well-planned surprises. He will just surprise you the simplest way he could or maybe even not, but that’s the way he is.

Anyway, the proposal happened on my birthday, while celebrating at my friend Paulo’s house, I was eating chicken from a YellowCab delivery with my hands and there he knelt and asked the question.

So I was there, sitting and dumbfounded, asking if he’s serious and immediately looked at my greasy fingers and figured how would he put that ring with my hands all greasy?! Oh well, so he did and I said Yes.

He looked nervous alright because he intended to actually ask while celebrating at the house with most of his siblings around. Guess his shyness got the better of him.

The Ring

The ring is really pretty, not your typical one stone white gold ring. I was surprised that it was gold and had little stones on the side. Steve said he designed it himself. Though the actual diamond is smaller than a karat, it was just appropriate for me to wear in the Philippines, not too flashy but still elegant. I love it!

Thoughts

Never in my life did I think I would be engaged, let alone get married someday. I always pictured myself growing old single, an old maid or probably have a child from a failed relationship then struggling to survive and put my child to school or travel if I didn’t have any child but have a good enough career and then live with lots of dogs.

Truly, God wants my life the other way around. Instead, I got into a long term relationship and here we are engaged to be married. Certainly He gave me much more than what I expected my life to be. God blessed me so much to actually have a normal life, not the kind that still turns heads one way or the other.

I know there will be struggles along the way but I’m sure glad to have someone and be someone’s other half so we can get through life’s ups and downs. Celebrate life and be each other’s wall when things don’t go as well.

Again, Forever Grateful

Something to think about…

I wanted to cry so badly for not buying more souvenirs and things for my friends and office mates. It didn’t feel enough. I so wanted to throw a tantrum for not getting that Sony Walkman Waterproof which was way cheaper in Bahrain than here in the Philippines. I don’t know, I guess I’m just too sleep deprived and homesick that the brat in me wants to get her way.

Then I came back to my senses and told myself, “It’s the thought that counts and that I don’t really need the Sony Walkman anyway.”

As soon as my eyes went back to reading the work assigned to me I saw this and now I feel better:

Paul’s description of the last days in 2 Timothy 3:1-9 reveals that the flesh will
dominate many believers’ lives. They will be self-centered, proud, and lovers of
pleasure instead of lovers of God. The way to avoid falling into this trap is to follow
the Holy Spirit’s leading. This means learning to say no to the world’s ways
and not following your flesh—what you want, what you think, and how you feel.

2013 Highlights

– Hong Kong/Macau Trip with Steve and his family

– Fainting while hiking a small mountain in Cuyapo, Nueva Ecija (lesson learned: Breathe!!!)

– Zambales Trip

– Ilocos Trip with my Dad

– Mount Pulag Climb

– 10k Milo Marathon

– Bali Oasis Condo

– Losing Tantan 😦

– Marriage proposal on my Birthday

– Mike and Maricris’ Wedding

– JR and Marianne’s Wedding

– USA Trip: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose, San Francisco, Oregon

– Snow Experience for the first time!!!

– Reuniting with my best friends Gena and Kate and meeting new friends in the US

– Gena and Rich’s Wedding, being Gena’s Maid of Honor

– Spending New Year’s Eve on the plane back to Manila

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October Wish

It’s that month of year again where I have to remember the time I was brought out to this world.

Lemme just give a sum up of what my life is about right now.

Family Aspect

Hmm, my Dad’s in Bahrain, he’s miles away and calls very seldom while I haven’t seen my mom for more than a year now plus we still have that misunderstanding going on. It’s already a good thing that my Dad gets to come home every 6mos and I know I could fix things so easily with my Mom but somehow I’m pretty much liking the way things are with us. It has given me and my Dad this certain freedom. It’s a long novel on how and why we feel that way. I find it difficult taking care of our assets alone though, especially with our dogs left at our house way back in Laguna. I need to always find time to go home and provide them with food. If only I could live and work in Laguna instead, but work is in the big city.

 Money Aspect

In the case of money, I guess that’s the part I should be most Thankful for because I am well provided by my Dad. Even if I don’t earn much with my job, I am well provided. It just gives me the guilty feeling that at my age I’m supposed to be the one helping out my parents financially. It also goes to the expenses I am faced, more money more expenses is the game. When I get to save, there will always be an unexpected incident where I need to spend more as well. I guess that’s how emergencies work.

Relationship Aspect

I am very grateful the way things are with me and my boyfriend right now but some things are still not in place. I guess I’ll keep it to myself for now. With my friends, I’m pretty proud of myself that I am able to maintain a lot of friends for the longest years which tells a lot about how I handle friendships. Being an only child made me treasure friendship that much. I’ll never trade them for anything else.

Work Aspect

I can’t really say I’m proud of my choices when it comes to career, the regret there is a very long list. But this is the kind of path life has led me to. I guess I haven’t found that purpose that will change the way I see my job but nevertheless, I am thankful for the people I work with, full of humility and optimism. An environment for someone as disturbed as me really needs.

October WISH!

It’s not such a tough time right now but I have my struggles and anxiety attacks so all I ask for is strength to face these struggles, faith to make it through, humility to accept my weaknesses, courage to take charge and wisdom to make the right choice.

THANK YOU LORD FOR ANOTHER YEAR!