Brainfart: OCD

The term OCD (Obssesive Compulsive Disorder) or claiming to have OCD is used often to describe people’s meticulosity these days. I always encounter people say that they’re “OCD”, “OC” or “Oc-Oc” when it comes to being compelled to organize or arrange certain things that are in disarray even in public. I myself do that. I always find myself arranging grocery items in the shelves of supermarkets, or putting back items that are out of place (y’know those things that people finally decide not to get, or maybe saw something better but are in a hurry or too lazy to put it back where it originally was).

Some find it irksome when normal people use the term OCD/OC to describe that compulsion. They find it insulting for actual people diagnosed with OCD as it is defined as a serious mental illness.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorderis a mental disorder where people have to check things repeatedly and or obsess about a certain thing repeatedly. And it’s something they cannot fully control. 

I had a phase this year where I watched the UK show entitled Obssessive Compulsive Cleaners where people, some diagnosed with OCD and some who are just obsessive cleaners, are given the challenge to clean out people with dirty places.

These people with dirty places are hoarders whom are either suffering from depression or are disabled. In conclusion, both types of people end up helping each other which I guess is the goal of the show.

I guess I understand those people who use the term OC to justify their sense of meticulousness but I also understand those people who find offense when that word is used for that context.

So I guess it’s safer to use the words or call themselves meticulous, particular or nitpicky. 

Instead of saying,”I’m very OC about my things.” Just say, “I’m very particular/meticulous about my things.”

OR plain, just call yourself a perfectionist or a neat freak because having OCD is way more than just being organized.

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August News

We haven’t even reached the 1st death anniversary of my sister in law, we lost another family member again. This time, it’s a very close cousin from Steve’s Father side, Kuya Melgar.

I’m really annoyed at this point because we were all supposed to see each other in two days, TWO DAYS. It would’ve been a happy celebration of his niece’s 16th birthday. I was already expecting a lot of laughter and added fun memories. We even planned a surprise bowling game after the party for him. I was looking forward to that day like any normal exciting family day actually.

Then this happens. SUCKS. He had a heart attack, revived twice but didn’t make it.

I haven’t fully cried my eyes out just yet because it hasn’t sunk in until I see him. I worry about his wife, Ate Lennie and his sons, Ransel and Jayjay, but I know they’ll get by.

Although he has accomplished a lot in his lifetime and has told us his life stories, even about the Fortuna family tree during our long drives to Ilocos and meet ups wherever, it’s just sad to know once again that he won’t be with us in the future. It’s the actual reason for grieving, missing the presence of the person.

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Steve, Kuya Melgar and Ate Lennie

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I’m not even done grieving for the loss of my first dog here in Philippines, my Kitchie love. Although I kinda expected her passing would be anytime soon coz she’s old already so I’m at peace when my Mom told me about it. I even dreamt of her days after I found out that she died. My dream was she came down a staircase and went licking my face with her ever bright smile. Then I hugged her in my dream and cried till I woke up. I wasn’t crying when I woke up though, which meant I’m at peace wherever she’s at. I usually wake up crying when I cry in my dream especially these past few months. Anyway, I’m grateful for her life and the time I spent with her. She was a gift from Steve and she died at 11 human years old.

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My KITCHIE love.

So right now, I don’t know what to feel about anything and anyone. I guess I’ll never get over this type of news. Everyone will eventually leave this place. Where you end up in the after life is up to you, just make sure to make your journey worth it.

For all we know right now, or as how we’d like to believe, we gained new angels watching over us once again.

30 on 10/20

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I’m officially 30 and here are 15 things I am grateful for in this life.

  1. I can eat what I want.
  2. I have a husband whom I love and vice versa.
  3. I have friends who are there for me.
  4. My parents are healthy.
  5. I have a nice place to live in.
  6. I have a car that can take me to places.
  7. I can drive by myself.
  8. I can travel to other countries.
  9. I can climb mountains and appreciate the beauty of it.
  10. I have my dogs.
  11. I have a convenient job.
  12. I have shared pain.
  13. I care less about society.
  14. I care more for the environment.
  15. I am able.

Wherever life takes me from here, I will forever be grateful.

Jealous of the Angels

This is a song dedicated to my Sister-in-Law Ate Mary Ann F. Lea who passed away 40 days ago. Missing her so much.

Jealous of the Angels

I didn’t know today would be our last
Or that I’d have to say goodbye to you so fast
I’m so numb, I can’t feel anymore
Prayin’ you’d just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin’
You’re not really gone as long as I believe

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It’s not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I’d fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I’ll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then

God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It’s not my place to question
Only God knows why
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

Singin’ hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne
Tonight

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June 13, 1978 – August 24, 2017

 

 

I am not Alone

I don’t think anyone knows how alone I feel.

Same way that I don’t understand how alone others feel when they say they are.

Others have siblings, they have parents within reach whom they can console and ask for advice anytime.

They have complete family photos.

They have close relatives they can confide with.

They have friends they can reach to anytime.

I have issues with my parents.

My friends have issues of their own.

My partner doesn’t know how to console me.

I don’t know what I’m going through. I don’t know what kind of depression this is or why I am even going through this.

There are lots of people going through something way worse I know.

I know I can always pray. I always do, but the feeling just lingers. The emotions are just here for now.

I am writing this to make myself feel better. I don’t know if I will feel better after this.

I mask myself with smiles and laughter, jokes and positivity, optimism and meditation, but the feeling of loneliness just doesn’t go away.

We’ll see about this in the future.

 

 

In Singapore

I vowed to myself to have at least one out of the country flight every single year so 2016’s travel pick is the wonderful Lion City… SINGAPORE!

We realized that Singapore is a common travel destination for almost everyone aside from Hong Kong. We’ve been to major destinations like USA and Middle East so why not explore one of the nearest ones around Philippines?

So I planned a 3-day itinerary that wouldn’t cost us much. My husband has this thing of not wanting to go through expensive entrance fees so I accept the challenge of only going to places where we wouldn’t spend as much but will still be able to visit the major attractions.

Our first day…

  • Arrival at Changi Airport
  • MRT ride to Aljunied Station where our booked hotel(via Agoda.com) was located
  • Got lost for a while looking for our hotel, checked in at 2:00pm, Fragrance Hotel-Pearl. Rested for a while. It was so hot! Even though we were warned by friends and family who have been there but damn was it hot!
  • Back to the MRT going to Marina Bay Sands via Bayfront Station.
  • By the way, Bayfront station ends you up inside the actual Marina Bay Sands mall, we thought it would end us up looking at it from the popular Merlion statue, but it was a discovery that lead us to Gardens By The Bay, another popular attraction.
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At least we got to see the Marina Bay Sands Hotel up close. Tee Hee!

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They were really pretty.

  • Go down via Raffles Place or Marina Bay station if you want to end up at the Merlion Statue with the Marina Bay Sands as your background or view.
  • We had a short stop at the Chinatown area, we got to see the busy street with lots of tourists, restaurants, bars and stores, but my research said that Bugis street is the cheaper option for souvenirs.
  • Last stop was the famed Bugis Street. This is where we ate dinner but we got there pretty late so we weren’t able to have that many food choices. I ate Carrot cake and my husband ate noodles of some sort.
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    Saw this was a must eat according to my research. Carrot Cake

    Second Day…

  • Went to Bakut Timah Railroad from King Albert Park Station, it’s an unused old railroad that some backpackers or tourists try to visit. We  got lost looking for it but saw it the moment we gave up. lol! Easy tip to find it is that it kinda looked like an overpass. The Ngee An Poly Park was where we ended up when we decided to give up. Another tip, you’re not supposed to reach King Albert Park either. The railroad is all before those so-called parks.

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  • Botanic Gardens – nothing too grand to see here but it was a good walking exercise.
  • Sentosa – I guess this is the only place where we paid for an entrance fee. We didn’t go to Universal Studios though, just the ticket for the train. We just did a walking tour around Sentosa. It was well worth it but really hot. There were so many Indian tourists. One big group even had a red t-shirt as their uniform and my husband blended in. lol!
  • Clark Quay. Might as well visit this place.

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  • To sum up our day, we met up with Steve’s old friend  Mac and his wife Noreen who lives there and we ate at this hawker center by the marina bay called Makansutra. This is where we got to eat the chili crab and cereal prawns.

Third and Last Day…

  • After check out time at Fragrance Hotel: Pearl, we decided to go to the other popular places like Orchard Road and Little India. It was midday so the sun was up and about! We tried to walk around Little India for a while but found that it was too ordinary, perhaps it’s more colorful in the evening, but in the morning, no thank you.

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  • At Orchard Road, we didn’t bother going out of the station anymore, so that’s one more place we have to go back to.

Waiting for out flight. Double thumbs up on Singapore’s waiting areas and really fast internet!

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OVERALL EXPERIENCE

Ideally, going out in Singapore should either be early in the morning or late in the afternoon until the evening because it is just really hot during midday and you can’t even feel the wind. We were kinda lucky it rained a little on our second day so it wasn’t THAT hot the whole day but it shows otherwise for my ever sweaty partner. I bet during Summer months it’s killin’ just like back home in Bahrain where it hits 40 degrees celsius at times.

What I think about the city is that it’s like a world inside a bubble. Like a modern city inside a bubble. You can feel it’s a small city and everything is accessible with public transportation. I would come back again though, I know there are still lots of places we haven’t explored. Singapore has one of the best looking airports I have ever been to as well.

See you again SG!

 

 

Dear 15yrold Self

Hi, it’s you 15 years in the future.

You’re in your 4th year of high school now, you’re about to enter college in a few months, you’re going to bid your beloved school and friends goodbye because you won’t be seeing each other for a long time or maybe never. You will be moving to the Philippines from your Bahrain comfort zone.

I just want to say that adjusting life in the Philippines won’t be easy. Studying and living out of your comfort zone will require a lot of patience and perseverance on your end. You will go through a lot.

One thing I wish you would do though, is not to be easily swayed or influenced by the new people you meet. Learn not to be gullible and easily influenced by those who just want to enjoy life and skip classes and smoke and drink.

I hope you focused more on your studies and didn’t get affected that much with your parents’ issues. I hope you had the guts to make decisions for yourself, that you don’t want to stop studying. That you like the course you chose. That you want to keep studying and be successful at that.

I would probably be writing this letter differently when all that I hoped for happened but this is how life took its place. There’s no chance for erasures but there will always be space for improvement.

Things we planned for ourselves don’t necessarily happen especially if you are not bent on making them come true.

Just take it as it is and be grateful instead.

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